That's What He Said

A "Very Special" That's What He Said

2008-09-22T18:27:00.000-07:00

Remember when you were a kid and you watched really frivolous sit-coms on Friday and Saturday nights? For me, I was weened on everything from Diff'rent Strokes and Silver Spoons all the way through to Punky Brewster and The Facts of Life. You know, you were like 9 or 10 years old, you tuned in for 22 minutes, got some laughs and were on your merry little way. Life was good. And then, out of nowhere, your happy little show would drop the "very special" bomb on you. That episode where your benign little show got all serious and topic-y (I'm a big fan of using hyphens to make up new words). Probably the best example of this, and what might have been the first example of it to be honest, was the Diff'rent Strokes episode where Dudley almost gets molested by Mr. Horton at the bicycle shop. You want to talk about being sucker punched?! I mean, the week before Arnold was watching his grades drop because he was playing too many video games while trying to beat Willis....and then they drop this on you?! I mean, I'm 9 years old for Christ's sake!!

Anyway, let me get to the point. No, Diff'rent Strokes is not entering my DVR rankings. This is simply my heavy handed approach at making an analogy. The mindless sitcom is this blog, and the "very special" episode is this entry. Now get ready for some warm and fuzziness.

The closing of Yankee Stadium has been known of for some time now. Not exactly a new development. And despite being a lifelong Yankee fan, I took a very rational approach to it throughout the entire season. It was my opinion that whatever romanticism and nostalgia existed in the original Yankee Stadium was somewhat compromised when the massive renovation took place in 1973. Then, on Friday night, I walked into the Stadium for the last time...and rational thinking went right out the window.

As soon as I parked the car and started the very familiar walk up River Avenue in the beautiful South Bronx, I immediately realized that I did care that they were moving...a lot. This was the equivalent of your parents moving out of your childhood home (which my parents did a year ago, and I don't know that I was as affected by that as I was by the Stadium, which might also have something to do with the fact that they renovated the place in 1985...so maybe the house lost all its' claims to romanticism and nostalgia too...just a thought). So, 4 sizable paragraphs later, allow me regale you with my personal highlights and memories of the good ol' House That Ruth Built.

The First Game

It must have been 1979 or so....maybe 1980. I was 5 or 6 years old. My parents scored amazing seats right at the tarp in the right field corner. We were in the second row (On a side note: I have no idea where my brother was during all of this. Either he was there and I've completely blocked it out, or he wasn't and my parents ditched the 3 year old at home...I digress...again). The Yanks were playing the Tigers. Chet Lemon was in right for the Tigers and Reggie was in right for the Yanks. Both players were chatty with the fans...which made it fun. There were two guys sitting in front of us. In the beginning of the game, there's a roller down the line, and one of the guys leans over the tarp and grabs the ball. Cool. Good for him. Now, fast forward a couple of innings...middle to latter part of the game. Someone on the Yanks flies out to right to end the inning. Chet Lemon trots off the field and nonchalantly flips the ball to the crowd. Right over the tarp. Into the hands of the guys sitting in front of me. Second ball in one game. Nice job by him. Now, I don't know if I was bitching and moaning or if we just had a really perceptive section, but the net net is our entire section hazed this poor guy until he gave me one of the balls. First game, first and only ball I've ever got at a baseball game. Good times.

Long Fly Deep to Left

The year is 1995. I am an intern at a sports publications company. One of our clients was the Yankees, we handled all their game day programs. I was psyched, I was working design and the Yankees....best of both worlds. As this was the summer, I was a part of the office softball team. Same routine as every other team...co-ed, weekly games in Central Park...no big deal. Then, the unthinkable happened. The account manager for the Yankees on our end set up a softball game between our office and theirs....on the field at Yankee Stadium. It was insane. We were not allowed to play on the infield, so home plate was set up behind third base and we played primarily in the outfield. Now, it's 318 ft. down the left field line at Yankee Stadium. But, take off 100 ft. since we're behind 3rd base and you suddenly have a very real possibility of putting one into the seats at Yankee Stadium. Needless to say everyone became a dead pull hitter that day. I ended up getting into one pretty good, but as short as the corner is, it juts out...far and quick. I ended up short-hopping the wall in the left field gap. Got a double, some great pictures of me on the field, and a baggie full of dirt and grass.

The No No

My buddy Sean was graduating from Villanova in a week or so. I had already wrapped things up in Ann Arbor, so I was home and embarking upon the Summer of Scott. Quinny calls me up and tells me that as part of Villanova Senior Week they were heading up to the Bronx to see the Yankees take on the Mariners and that I should meet up. I knew enough of Sean's friends where I figured it could be a good time. Plus, Gooden was slated to pitch for the Yanks that night. He happened to have been coming off his first good outing as a Yankee. Sean's buddy AJ and I used that as fodder to be extremely annoying to anyone in our direct vicinity prior to the game. "Perfect Game for Doc tonight!! Perfect f'n game!!!" Of course, he went out and walked the first batter. Undeterred, AJ and I began yelling, "Don't worry, we still have the no-hitter!!" And whereas it usually takes 5 or 6 innings for the fans to catch on to the fact that a no-hitter is in the works, our section (thanks to AJ & I) were onto Gooden's eventual no-hitter from the first pitch. You're welcome.

Game 6

A World Series clincher and I was there. We sat in the bleachers. Girardi's game-winning triple fell right in front of us. I have never seen the Stadium like it was that night. The minute they took the lead, the place erupted and the countdown began. Everyone knew that with Rivera and Wetteland ready to go, the win and the championship were a fore drawn conclusion. When they actually did win it, no one left. Which was the coolest thing ever. The whole stadium just sat and watched for nearly and hour. The team's victory lap. Boggs on the horse. My brother ripping a bleacher seat off and bringing it home. And the good times continued as the party spilled out onto the streets surrounding the Stadium for another 45 minutes. No one wanted it to end. Any other city and they'd be turning cars over and setting people on fire, but this was an absolute lovefest. I've never seen anything like it.

Bye Bye Donnie

I came of age as a Yankee fan in the 1980's, so naturally, Don Mattingly is a borderline demigod to me. While his career was shortened by injuries, when he was healthy, no one in the game was better. It was a very sad day when he retired, and it was even sadder when he ended up missing out on the great run of championships that followed. Anyway, shortly after his retirement, the Yankees announced there would be a Don Mattingly day and that he would have his number retired. I got tickets...bad tickets....but I was in the building, so I didn't care. This was on the cusp of when the Yankees started drawing serious crowds, so I don't know that the Bronx was prepared for the influx. I left early, wanting to get there for all the festivities...and ran into an absolute WALL of traffic. Once in the Bronx, I could not find parking ANYWHERE. As the start time approached, I was flipping out. There came a point, where I needed to make the executive decision. I "parked" my car in a shady spot in a very sketchy neighborhood (which is saying something in the Bronx). I hustled in to the Stadium, thinking I was late, when thankfully I realized the start time had been delayed since everyone was in the same boat. I got to my seat. Watched Donnie get his gifts. Heard him thank the fans. Saw his monument and retired number. And then I promptly left before the game against the Expos even started. I love Donnie more than anyone, but the hell if I was going to have my car stripped over it and leave me without a ride in the Bronx.

Pack Your Bags

During the era of those great Yankee teams, I was lucky enough to get season tickets with my buddy Steven from 1998-2000. We saw some amazing games (although as I pointed out every time an opposing player got the first hit in every game, Steven still has never witnessed a no-hitter....and I have). We saw Chad Curtis' walk-off HR in the '99 World Series. I watched as Steven busted his ass in section 12 to jump-ball with 5 other guys on the stairs in the upper tier to catch a foul ball. We developed bleeding ulcers as the Yanks took out the Mets in Game 1 of the no-fun-until-it-was-over Subway Series. We saw Knoblauch throw the ball into the seats against Cleveland in the ALDS. But, maybe my fondest memory was the game that spawned a Steven catch phrase forever. It was Game 1 of the 1999 ALCS against Boston. Record-setting season for wins, playing Boston with a trip to the Series on the line....very tense game to watch. Bernie Williams, Steven's favorite player, steps up to the plate with a chance to win the game. I'm sitting next to him having a borderline panic attack and Steven stands up and announces to the entire section of season ticket holders, "Pack your bags, we're going home, Bernie is ending it here. Pack your bags! PACK YOUR BAGS!!!" Next pitch, Bernie ended the game with a home run. I swear to God. If I hadn't witnessed it, I wouldn't buy it either. Of course "Pack your bags" should have been retired right there. Leave with a perfect 1 for 1 record. And of course, it wasn't. I think "Pack your bags" has since been used some 1,476 times either live or while watching on TV and has worked — maybe — 2 additional times....but it worked that night.

My Last Game

Last Friday night, Yankees vs. Orioles for the 3rd to last game in the old Stadium. My 6 year-old Jennifer and I went to bid a fond farewell. This was Jennifer's second game. She was 3 at her first...and the junk food kept her there for 5 innings. A nice debut. Seeing as how this was a night game and she's 6, I had ZERO expectations for how long we'd make it through. Start off with a hot dog, pretzel and a drink...make it to the start. Then, I decide to keep score. She's intrigued. We end up taking turns to keep score. This gets us to the middle innings. Then I start snapping pictures. Again, she's intrigued. She starts taking pictures too. We hit a possible road block in the 6th inning. The 20 oz. Sprite has reared it's ugly head....she needs to go to the bathroom. I figure this could very easily end it all...but not on this night. Jennifer shows a little moxy (Mad Dog reference), braves the woman's room alone (with me waiting by the door...don't go calling DYFUS) and returns to her seat to see it all the way through. Now I'm sure the promise of Cracker Jacks and Cotton Candy helped the cause, but I think she would have been back regardless. Joba comes in. Rivera comes in. Frank sings New York, New York. My best night at the Stadium.

The 2008-09 Cocchiere DVR Rankings

2008-09-15T18:30:00.000-07:00

As has been well chronicled in this blog, the new fall TV season is upon us. As has also been well chronicled in this blog, I am addicted to TV. So, fresh off the tragedy that was the Writer's Strike of '07, to say that I am excited for new TV would be an understatement of epic proportions. To welcome in this most wonderful time of the year, I have decided to take on 21 shows this season. That's right, 21 shows. 21. Ambitious? Yes. Crazy? Maybe. But that's what makes this country great. Right? It's the ability to watch 40 some odd hours of TV a week....right? I think that's in the Bill of Rights.

Anyway, this isn't as crazy as it might sound. By no means do I expect to stay with all 21 shows for the entire season. There are some that will be locked and loaded for a season pass, but there are plenty more that are on a trial period of sorts. I have some that will be sure things on the level of USC over Ohio State. I have others that won't make it past the Mets' inevitable end of September collapse. There are those that I have very high hopes for and who will no doubt let me down. And hopefully, there will be those very few shows that become "stop my life, I need to watch this show live and I might even consider having a season finale party" great. Hopefully. So, here's the plan. I'm going to start rattling off my shows and then create a rolling rankings of sorts. As I think about a show, I'll decide if it goes above or below the show I last mentioned to create final "pre-season" rankings for the Fall 2008-09 season. Let the good times begin.

21. Kath & Kim (NBC) - To be honest, I'm not even sure why I'm hopping on board for this one. I can't even come up with anything interesting to say. I guess maybe I'm just taking on shows to pad my total number and impress my 9 loyal readers. I guess we'll see on this one, but if I had to guess, it could be the first one to fall by the wayside...if I can't even fire up for the season premiere, we might have some issues.

20. My Own Worst Enemy (NBC) - High hopes for this one. Slater. Always a bit of a wild card. Personally, I like him... a lot. I think this could be a good one. Of course, it's on NBC, so God forbid it gets off to a slightly slow start, it could be pulled in 3 weeks....just enough time for me get hooked (i.e. The Black Donnelly's, Kidnapped, Journeyman..etc). That would suck. But, in TV, it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

19. True Blood (HBO) - Great awareness campaign heading into the season (sorrry for the momentarily lapse into industry speak). Written and created by the creative force behind Six Feet Under. I was psyched. Again, I'm on board for all things Six Feet Under. I am now two episodes deep. It's interesting...but a bit slow. I might stray from my 3 episode trial period based on Alan Ball's track record....but maybe not much beyond. A good litmus test for me is how focused I am on the show when it's on....I'm writing this as I finish episode two...so there you have it.

18. Greek (ABC Family) - First of all, yes, I watch ABC Family...I go where the TV is. Another show I picked up on the bus to the Port Authority. I'm not really sure why I've cooled off on this show...but I definitely have. I think they're straying a bit too far from the kegger beer pong parties....but I guess when you're on ABC Famliy, what could you expect. This show is on notice, once the fall season starts up in earnest, I could easily see it falling through the cracks.

17. 90210 (The CW) - I've more than addressed this show (see my previous entry ). After watching two more episodes I have some concerns. I think maybe I got caught up in the nostalgia as I reveled in the season premiere. Here's where my head is at now. I need more old characters. And more Lucille Bluth. And more Nat. The Dylan reveal was nice. Maybe I just want the old 90210. There's a very real chance I could be off this show and onto the Soap Network's reruns of 90210 by December. I'm hopeful I won't be, episode 3 was definitely better than episode 2. But, I'm going to need some more shocking moments, and a possible "very special" episode with a possible Steve Sanders visit to the old neighborhood really soon. Just a thought.

16. The Biggest Loser (NBC) - On a DVR roster full of guilty pleasures, even I would consider this a guilty pleasure. There's just something about ginormous people losing ginormous amounts of weight that's quite entertaining. I like that the stakes are risen every year. These people get ripped now. It's not enough to lose weight, now you have to be borderline emaciated by the end. I'm hoping that this will be the season where someone will go from the fat farm to an eating disorder at the end of the season. The contestants bitching and moaning every step of the way (yes, I know this is hard, this is why you're 678 lbs.), Jillian screaming at whiny fat people, Bob crying for his trainees at a weigh-in...good times. If you do hop on board, be sure to watch it on Tivo and fast forward....NBC draws this show out WAY too long...2 hours....no need. Aside from that, sit down, grab a carton of ice cream and enjoy.

15. House (FOX) - I've been on this show from the beginning. Hugh Lawrie is fantastic. BUT, the show got formulaic after a while. BUT, they completely gutted the show and departed from the formula last season. BUT, it didn't work. This season is make or break for House in my rankings. On a very busy Tuesday night schedule (head to head with 90210 and Biggest Loser), it needs to prove it's worth or could be on the outs by Halloween.

14. Entourage (HBO) - This show would probably be even lower on this list if it weren't just a half an hour. Not a very real commitment. But, last season was God awful. God awful. God f'n awful. The first two episodes of this season have shown promise in correcting Vince (he was completely unlikeable last season), but I worry that Drama is becoming a complete caricature of himself, and the whole Eric becoming a legitimate player in Hollywood things is a bit of a stretch and borderline annoying. I'm hoping this season works out...I could use some laughs in the rankings.

13. Heroes (NBC) - If this blog was written a year ago (which is about the time I wrote my last entry it seems...yes readers, I hear you bitching) this show would have been in the top 5. Again, another show that was a victim of that God awful writer's strike, but writer's strike or not, season 2 was TERRIBLE. I'm hearing that they're coming out guns blazing this season. Let's see. This show will be moving in the rankings, it just remains to be seen if that will be up or down.

12. Life (NBC) - Apparently, I was one of the 19 people watching this show as I have never met anyone else who's actually seen an episode (never mind watch the whole season)....but we must be an influential 19 as the quick-to-the-trigger NBC has stayed with it. The show stars Damien Lewis of Band of Brothers fame, and for me, the Band of Brothers halo is equal to the Six Feet Under halo...I'll generally try anything that has anything to do with Band of Brothers. The story is this. Cop framed for a murder. Sent to prison for life. Spends 12 years away. Is finally proven innocent. Released. Sues city. Wins a gazillion dollar settlement. Goes back on the job. Uses zen mindset that got him through prison time to solve crimes. All the while tries to solve the case that sent him away. Come on, tell me you're not intrigued. Col. Dick Winters would want you to watch (apologize for the obscure Band of Brothers reference...but, you should really go watch that too...I'm just saying).

11. Friday Night Lights (NBC/DirecTV) First of all, my thoughts on this show have also been well-chronicled (see previous entry). Now, secondly...thats' right, I wrote DirecTV. DirecTV has exclusive first airing rights to this show. As far as I understand, you can watch it on NBC in the winter and I'm assuming you can buy it on iTunes. Of course, this was the year I bailed on DirecTV and hopped over to FIOS. So....I'm none to ecstatic. I'm not sure if I'll be watching on my iPod or if I'll just wait until winter and fill my TV void come January. Regardless, I'll be watching and hoping for a return to season one form. Clear eyes. Full hearts. Can't lose.

10. Dirty Sexy Money (ABC) - Curse you writer's strike....curse you. This show was REALLY solid last season....and then it went away. Fantastic cast. Peter Krause (see Six Feet Under rule). Donald Sutherland (who is cool on his own and cooler now that he fathered Jack Bauer). And a Billy Baldwin sighting...and he's actually great. Really good writing, really good story lines...I have high hopes for this show when it comes back...FINALLY.

9. Madmen (AMC) - I don't know how well this show plays to people outside the industry....but I don't really care, these are my rankings. I was born about 40 years too late. This show is actually depressing to watch as it makes me realize how devoid of fun the ad industry has become in this overly PC world. I'm about 68% sure that I will pick up a 6 scotch and 2 packs of cigarettes a day habit in the hopes that I will somehow "bring the sexy back" to the industry. Long live Don Draper.

8. Dexter (SHOW) - Again, another show I picked up on the bus. As previously stated, I was a huge fan of Six Feet Under, so I am always willing to give the show's alumni a chance in any of their new ventures (except that Brothers and Sisters show with Rachel Griffiths...even I have my limits). Michael C. Hall is amazing in this show....and it's a completely unique premise. The first season was definitely better than the second season, but as Jimmy Smits joins the cast, I have high hopes for Season 3.

7. How I Met Your Mother (CBS) - Three words. Neil. Patrick. Harris. Doogie makes this show great. Without him, this show is mediocre at best. Half hour. Very funny. Good stories. Fun characters. Good times. The main storyline (for those not watching) is Ted telling his kids in the future the story of how he met their mother. So, naturally, every time a woman comes on the show you wonder if this is the afore mentioned Mother that he Met. The writers have done a nice job of drawing it out this long, I'm curious to see how much longer they can....but as long as NPH's Barney keeps bringing the laughs, it probably doesn't even matter.

6. The Unit (CBS) - Yet another show that I picked up on the bus. I watched three seasons of this show on an iPod, so I'm very excited to watch the new season in HD. I've actually written an entire post on this show. A unit full of Jack Bauers. Good times. I'm just psyched that CBS didn't cancel it....I was worried I jinxed it....but can we please bring back seasons 1 & 2 theme song? Please.

5. Fringe (FOX) - Two episodes and I'm hooked. JJ Abrams has done it again. Just REALLY smart writing and REAALY bizarre story lines that will keep you guessing about the big picture every step of the way. As my buddy Valerio and I discussed at lunch this week, let's just hope it's more Lost than it is X Files. I don't think any of us are looking for a 12 year wild goose chase. Let me also point out that it's a big plus by throwing in Pacey. And don't act like you don't know Pacey or Dawson's Creek. Because you do. You know you do.

4. Gossip Girl (The CW) - I know I've mentioned this show in passing, but my God, this show delivers. I caught up with season 1 on the bus last month and I have been hooked ever since. It's like 90210 and Melrose in their hey days combined....and that might be the best compliment I could pay a show. Not only are the teeny bopper story lines raunchy and fantastic, but even the grown ups keep you coming back for more....something even 90210 could never do (outside of the time when Jackie Taylor was shitfaced at the West Beverly fashion show....did anyone really care about the parents?). By the way, Chuck Bass might be one of the great TV characters you'll ever run into....a modern day 1980's James Spader...and again, I mean that as a compliment.

3. Lost (ABC) - Overall this show is brilliant. The format, the idea, the story line....they're all ground breaking. This is without a doubt one of the best shows on TV. I think setting an end date was brilliant and has re-energized the story arcs. There's really nothing to say about this show that hasn't been said. The only reason it's not higher than it is would be because it does put up a slow episode every now and again...they might lull you for a few weeks before they go and drop the hammer during sweeps week. But, no one does a shocking season finale like this show. No one.

2. The Office (NBC) - Any show that packs at least one "that's what she said" joke in per episode is OK in my book. Every character is gold. The Pam and Jim story line has played out at a perfect pace. Dwight T. Schrute is always hysterical. Stanley and his one golden line per episode. Toby and his brilliant awkwardness. Jan Levinson Gould (no Gould) and her ever developing devolution. Kelly and her inane rantings. And of course, Michael f'n Scott. Come again? That's what she said. I'm sorry, but if you don't see the humor in that, you can just stop reading this blog right here. I mean it.

1. 24 (FOX) - Jack Bauer, Greatest TV character ever. Period. He's died about 7 times. He's killed 175 people in 6 seasons. He's tortured even more. He's detonated a nuke. He's been a prisoner. He's been an exile. He's been a hero. When I grow up, I want to be Jack Bauer (of course, I'm already 6 inches taller than Jack Bauer, so I don't know that it's really growing up). There are those who feel the story lines have gotten a bit too absurd. I say, the more absurd the better. As long as Jack is killing terrorists at an unbelievable (literally) rate and breaking every rule in the book while doing it...I'm on board. When this show finally premiers in January, it will have been some 20 months since it last aired...GODDAMN WRITER'S STRIKE!!!! Fox aired a spot for the 2 hour season 7 prequel event during Fringe the other night. a. Nice surprise, I had no idea this was coming. b. I almost wet my pants. No show gets me as excited as this show does. Long live Jack Bauer. LONG LIVE JACK BAUER!!! (Screaming in my best Jack Bauer screaming voice).

So these are the rankings as of this pre to early season. I will be just as curious as all of you to see how this all plays out. I'll be sure to keep you posted with my usual posting regularity...semi-annually.

Hello old friend. I've missed you.

2008-09-03T21:24:00.000-07:00

Last night an old friend came home. Last night, I watched a new episode of 90210. Thank you Lord baby Jesus. Thank you. Thank you.

I don't think I can overstate the level of my excitement. Scratch that, I know I can't overstate the level of my excitement. This was monumental. Heading into last night's festivities I was no doubt excited, but I was also worried. This is 90210. This is an institution. 90210 was a mainstay in my formative TV viewing years. I was on board from day one and followed it all the way through to the bitter end. For those of you who might have been a bit too young to fully appreciate the 90210 phenomenon allow me the opportunity to try and convey just how ubiquitous this show truly was.

The year is 1993. Sophomore year at Michigan. I am living in the Phi Delta Theta fraternity house. 39 males under one roof. However bad you think these living conditions might be, trust me, it was worse. Our kitchen was condemned and closed by the city of Ann Arbor....literally. During periods where there were no pledges to clean the house, garbage was piled atop the already full garbage cans creating a stench and mess so foul that it actually forced some of the guys to check into the local Courtyard Marriott. There were hobos collecting empty cans throughout the house following the 1000 person open parties on weekends. There were 5 bathroom stalls in the entire house. For 39 guys. Do the math.

Anyway, my point in all of this is that I lived in quite possibly the most male environment one can live in. We bathed and basked in our maledom. Yet the net that 90210 cast was so broad and so immense that it was able to cut through all of that testosterone and grab a hold of each and every one of us. On any given night in PDT you could find pretty much anything. Fab Five game on? Head on over to room 12. Drink way too much Beast Light? Room 6. Looking for a game of Tecmo? Room 2. Caddyshack viewing? Room 4. Whatever you were looking to do, you could find a room to do it in....except on Wednesday night. On that night, from 8pm-10pm the house shut down. It was 90210 and then it was Melrose. To this day I don't think a better 1-2 punch has been realized. The house could have been on fire and no one would have budged. These same guys who were living in their own filth, atomic elbow dropping coffee tables for no good reason, dropping TV's off 3rd floor fire escapes, and setting off fire extinguishers in their own hallways were now sitting elbow to elbow packed in a room watching every second of these shows as if the future of the free world depended on it.

Chanting along as Donna Martin graduated. Yelling at the screen as David did his very best Color Me Badd impersonation. Reveling in the KEG house parties as 47 year-old freshmen Steve Sanders experienced the "same" life we were currently living. And maybe even shedding a tear as Andrea blew her whole life and kept Jesse and her's baby....well, maybe not that dedicated...but we did watch, and the house did shut down, and we did yell at people if they dared interrupt. This was 90210 night. And it was good.

Now take off that greasy flannel shirt and join me back here in 2008. 90210 is back, and I just prayed that it would be worthy of it's name. My recent and welcome addiction to Gossip Girl pumped up my confidence in The CW to deliver on the goods. And I am now happy to report to you, my 6 dedicated readers, that 90210 is back. After the 2 hour season premiere, I think I have come up with 4 key reasons why this show is staying on my Tivo's already bloated Season Pass Manager.

Reason #1: Many nods to the Classic 90210 viewer

Erin Silver, daugther of Mel Silver and Jackie Martin, is now a blog writing goth-ish student at West Beverly High. Hannah Zuckerman Vasquez, daughter of Andrea Zuckerman and Jesse Vasquez, has followed in her mom's social outcast footsteps as the host of the school's daily newscast. Kelly Taylor is the guidance counsellor. Nat is still at The Peach Pit. There was a mega burger reference. And of course, Brenda f'n Walsh showed up (On a side note: WOW. She looked AWFUL. Don't get me wrong, as the great Lourdes Crespo said, "It wouldn't be 90210 without Brenda", but WOW. The mug. The grill. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you 20 years of hard living....a warm welcome for Shannon Doherty!!!). Add all this up and throw in the fact that they told Tori Spelling and her banged up, no talent ass to go stick it when she asked for more money...and we're off to a flying start.

Reason #2: More nods to come

Let's face it. The cast of the original 90210 has not exactly gone on to take Hollywood by storm. At any point, in any episode, any past cast member could be coming back for a cameo. You know Ian Ziering is sitting by the phone waiting for the call. The guy begged his way into hosting the new Price is Right....and lost. Kelly has a five year-old son and was on the phone with the child's mystery father. Could it be Brandon? Dylan? Steve? John Sears from the KEG house? Her step brother David? Anything is possible in 90210. I smell a"very special" 90210 during sweeps. Good times.

Reason #3: Lucille Bluth

As a fan of Arrested Development, I was happy to hear that Jessica Walter was a part of the cast. I LOVED her as Mrs. Bluth on the all-time greatest television show Arrested Development. And after watching the 90210 premiere, I was even happier to see that they didn't even bother to write a new character for her, instead choosing to simply have her reprise her portrayal of the the rich, drunk wiseass Lucille. Hey, if it ain't broke.

Reason #4: K.I.S.S.

Good ol' Keep It Simple Stupid. Old school 90210 took on topics...or so they liked to tell themselves. Donna was a virgin. David was strung out on speed. Kelly was indoctrinated into a cult. Andrea got knocked up. Dylan's dad appeared to blow up. Brandon was a nasty drunk. Steve was accused of date rape and a Take Back the Night march was started because of him. The new 90210 doesn't seem to be bothering itself with issues. No, it's focusing on suggested front seat BJ's, someone dropping a v-bomb in class, parents discovering children they didn't know existed and all kinds of inappropriate sexual tension between a sister and her adopted brother. I view this as a positive. Vegas just set the under/over for a girl on girl scene at episode 7...somewhere Goodman just took the under.

In all, a very nice job by my new favorite network, The CW. Lots of old, plenty of new. Mindless TV viewing fun. Maybe I'm just excited that new TV is back, but I'm on board. Welcome back 90210. Welcome back.

The Diary of a Self Hating "Blogger"

2008-07-23T18:41:00.000-07:00

Forgive me readers (all 11 of you), for I have sinned, it has been 2 1/2 months since my last blog entry.

I'm sorry but I've been putting the finishing touches on my first novel.

Nope, sorry, nothing that profound. I just suck. I put blogger in quotes because to call me a blogger would somehow suggest that I actively post on a blog. My bad. As per usual, I really have no excuse. Tired. Overworked. Two kids. A mild case of narcolepsy. These are all contributing factors, but really, I think it's good ol' American apathy that was the driving force (or lack thereof) behind all of this. I have contemplated how to stage this long awaited comeback for some time now and have decided on the following format — no format. This blog will not only be my return to regular blogging (until my next 69 day sabbatical (hee hee...69!!)) (how about that ...parentheses within parentheses...should I have used brackets there?)(how about that?! Three parenthetical statements in a row!!...I knew this entry would be EPIC!!) but it will be my penance. This blog will be my death march of Bataan. And in being such, it will also be a torturously long read for all of you as well. I am just going to write. This is my special welcome back f u to my buddy Gary...king of the "here's 16 words, go check out this link" "blog" posting. Call me and old-fashioned blogger, but I want to be entertained. I want original content. I want thought. I want to be moved. Well, that might be an over promise....but then again, maybe not...I had a premonition...I think greatness is upon us here.

Anyway, I have no agenda. No one set topic. No outline. This will hopefully serve as peek into my mind and how I think (or don't). This could either be brilliant or disastrous...but either it will DEFINITELY be entirely too long. I promise. So, away we go...

They're interviewing for a high level post here at work this week. Actually, they're conducting the interviews in the office RIGHT next to mine. This has been a source of entertainment for me all week. The parade of candidates has served as a nice break in the monotony...I mean a break from the collaborative and invigorating brainstorming that we're doing at work all the time as we continually strive to come up with the next BIG idea for all of our clients (sorry...you never know who's reading).

Anyway, a certain candidate caught my attention yesterday. As he was being walked in to the room, the following came out of his mouth, "By the way, let me just say, you have great taste in eyewear." (Silence). (Crickets). (Mouth open). WHAT THE FUCK!?!?! Really? Did he just say that? OK, now truth be told, they are great glasses. They no doubt cost more than I make in a week, but seriously, how do you utter those words, in that manner, in that situation and sleep at night?! HOW?!

I know you need to play the game, but this is extreme. Admittedly, I don't play the game well...at all. I'm brutally honest and unnecessarily vocal. And when I'm not vocal, my anger and impatience is 100% transparent on my face. That's me. I've accepted that. There's a very real possibility that I will forever toil in middle management because of that, but I've also come to terms with that...so let's move on. This was shameless. How could I possibly have a shred of respect for this joker if he is somehow hired? Knowing the industry, he will be hired. And knowing me, I will no doubt call him "Mary" within an hour of his start...or if I don't, my face will no doubt say it for me loud and clear. You can write that down...in ink.

Before I forget, I made a promise (OK, I made A LOT of promises in past blog entries about content that was soon to come and has yet to) in my "We Suck" post that I would explain the intellectual genocide platform that would be a major tent pole in my bid for this country's highest office in 2016. The stance was founded on the idea that there are far too many dumb people in this country. I have the very easy solution. Standardized intelligence tests would be disseminated and taken by the general population on day one of my first term. Score above the pre-determined acceptable score and you're fine. Welcome to America! Go make money. Have a family. Make more smart kids. BUT, if you score BELOW the line...I will have you killed. Literally. In my America, we will be smart world leaders again....because we'll kill the dumb ones. It's a state funded social Darwinism experiment. Now, I'm not naive, I understand politics, I know compromise will probably need to be a part of an initiative this ambitious....and thus, the fallback will be sterilization for my first term (Bob Barker saying, "Hello America, don't forget to have your dumb offspring spayed or neutered). See...I can compromise...it's a kinder gentler Scott.

Since I last blogged I have become fully immersed in the world of Facebook. It's right up my ADHD alley. I can spend 11 seconds there or 11 hours...which is great for work (the 11 seconds of course). There are two things that I am especially drawn to. Firstly, the 1980's Paramus Renaissance. People just coming out of the wood work. It's incredible. I think I have now found the entire starting nine from the 1986 New Paramus Honda Little League team. Which leads me to the second great thing about Facebook. "Hi". "Hi". "What have you been up to?" "Kids, job, golf". "Great". "Great". And then they're on your Friends list and you're on their's and you never say a word (let alone see them in real life) again. No one really wants to renew any kind of substantial friendships, all anyone really wants is to see what people look like and find out what they've been up to. If people really wanted to stay in touch all these years and remain best of friends, guess what, they would have. With that in mind, I update my Facebook status fairly regularly, as do a good number or my friends. It's perfect. I get immediate updates on my "friends" without ever having to converse with or relate to another human being. If Facebook could figure out a way where I could artificially communicate and relate to people at work...wow...I would never even need to leave the couch. Let's keep our fingers crossed and hope that comes to pass within the next few years.

I'm still watching TV shows on my commute in on the bus on my iPod. I've caught up with Real World Hollywood (fantastic), Nip/Tuck Season 1 (pretty good) and now I'm halfway through Gossip Girl (AWESOME...it's like a whole new 90210...except there is a whole new 90210 coming this fall...which is also AWESOME!!). Anyway, I always have a little extra time on my commute to listen to music and other things. I've just started listening to The Sports Guy's podcasts (sorry Gene) on a regular basis. It's very entertaining, but also slightly maddening. Imagine a sports talk radio show, crossed up with some pop culture and it's all being moderated by a sports fan who has his friends as guests on a rotating basis despite the fact that most of them have no real qualifications to be discussing sports or anything professionally other that the fact that they were in the dorm room next to him at Holy Cross in 1992. How am I not doing this? Now before you start yelling that I CAN be doing this, let me rephrase the question, how am I not getting paid to do this?! I might start recording my phone conversations with my buddy Rosado and start submitting them as podcasts. I actually think there was a part of me that was hoping Mike and the Mad Dog would break up so that I could somehow slip in and be Dog's new partner as he inevitably jettisoned to start his new show on 1050 ESPN Radio. I don't know that a podcast would really be the forum for me to be discovered by Chris Russo as I doubt that he could even turn a computer on. And that fact, would lead me to believe that this blog might not be my best audition for the new show either. Mike and Chris seem to be on civil terms again these days anyway, so really this is all moot. I really have to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.

Speaking of Mike and the Mad Dog, there's this a little phrase that Chris often uses, that I've tried to adopt with limited success. Unfortunately, it's really dependent on someone being a big time fan of the show, which inherently limits the appeal of this phrase...which in a lot of ways, draws me in even further. So far it has spread only to me, my friend Scott and my buddy Rosado...all huge fans of the show. So allow me to use this forum to further mainstream it. Here's the setup...you're in a meeting, or some sort of group discussion and someone makes a hugely inappropriate or awkward comment. Now, usually this is followed by silence until someone finally figures out a way to change the subject. When Chris goes on one of his rants and inevitably insults one of their bosses or the person they're interviewing or the general listenership and Mike inevitably follows with dead silence as he realizes that Chris has done it again, Chris then uses the phrase that I have adopted as my own, "Say something funny Mike." As I write this I know that if you have no idea who Mike and the Mad Dog are this probably won't be nearly as funny. But trust me, it's hysterical. So the next time you are in that awkward moment of silence followed by a very offensive comment made by a person you're in a meeting with, throw the "Say something funny Mike" down. Seriously. It's hysterical. It is. Really. (Silence). "Say something funny Mike".

Speaking of words that should catch on, I've been trying to bring back "swell". It's not really taking off either. My cousin Scott is apparently trying to bring back "grody". He lives in SoCal, so I'm assuming grody was a huge part of his formative years. You know how I know all of that? Facebook. Scott put it in his status on Sunday. See, Facebook....bringing people together...without bringing people together. Yea!

OK, here's a bit of an advertising/marketing industry gripe. Every single meeting. Every single client. "And then we can make these viral videos that will be passed along on YouTube." Let me be perfectly honest here. Not gonna happen. No chance. If a video needs to go through any kind of formal and organized approval process it will no longer be funny....at least not to the place where people will feel the need to pass it along. Viral happens by accident. Viral happens when some 15 year old kid in Iowa hijacks your brand in a very inappropriate rant in a video post on his blog. When you set out to be viral, rest assured viral will not be happening. My buddy Gary explains it best...the answer to everything these days is a not facebook app and a viral video. OK, now that that's been addressed, let me move forward in creating this viral blog.

I'm going to see Springsteen at Giants Stadium on Monday. I'm very excited. Springsteen was my first concert. Born in the USA tour in 1985. I was 11 and I think he ruined me for future concerts. I feel like Orson Wells. When you come charging out of the box and knock out "Citizen Cane" for starters, where the hell do you go? Crazy and fat apparently. I think the smarter move for me would have been to open up with a Debbie Gibson or Tiffany mall event...maybe even a Def Leppard or hair band stadium event....but not The Boss in New Jersey for Christ's sake! Anyway, I'm going with my buddy Mark. He's an orthopedic surgeon. We've been friends since high school. That blows my mind. At 18, we had the EXACT same education. Mind you, he was much better at science than I was, but we essentially had the same knowledge base. Now, fast forward 16 years. I'm at work in an ad agency, where I essentially knew everything I needed to know in Miss Ellis' 5th grade class. Mark is cutting people open, putting metal objects in people's bones to make them walk better, and then closing people back up without killing them. Good luck explaining to me how I have a real job. Anyway, looking forward to the show...I'm banking on enough Jersey-ness to inspire a future post.

OK. We have sailed past the 2000 word mark. I can almost hear Gary complaining from here....which is almost enough inspiration for me to keep on writing. But, I am concerned that will dry up any thought starters I might have for future posts. So consider this my penance. I missed you all....and I know you missed me. Someone should start a "I wish Scott would post more blogs!!" group on Facebook...then I would know you missed me and I wouldn't even need to speak to you. See...everyone wins with Facebook.

Clip of the Week

2008-05-14T18:21:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the semi-monthly edition of The Clip of the Week. Lesson learned. When making proclamations with regards to the posts and regular features that will occur on this blog, I will be sure to follow the mantra I have followed at work for years now, "Under promise. Over deliver." So with that, welcome to the Clip of the Quarter feature here at That's What He Said.

This clip is an absolute tour de force. It is an education for those of you who: a.) did not have your formative years during the 1980's and b.) did not have your formative years during the 1980's in the New Jersey/Philadelphia area. The 80's were cheesy. Given. But the 80's in New Jersey and Philly...off the charts. If you weren't here, I can't explain it. It would just be impossible....or would it? This clip is my best attempt. Short of a security cam video from Miracles in Lodi in 1987, this video would be the best snapshot of classic 80's Jersey cheese.

A little background. The show was called Dance Party USA. It aired daily after school on the USA Network. It was essential viewing. There were spotlight couples dances, there was amazingly bad — yet great — live performances, and of course, there was Kelly Ripa...yep, Kelly Ripa. Picture American Bandstand with 80's pop music skewed towards the guido club scene. Now, guido club music was really in its' infancy, but guido club styles were in their absolute hey dey. Cavaricci's...check. Wig Wam socks over your pants....check. B.U.M. Equipment....check. INSANE amounts of hairspray keeping that "claw" up....check. Gold chain on the outside of your shirt with the Italian horn...check. The list goes on and on. There are so many nooks and crannies to absorb in this clip that 5-6 viewings might be necessary to take it all in...just a suggestion.

Growing up in Paramus, one of the 4 meccas of guido population in the state of New Jersey (Lodi, Garfield and Hasbrouck Heights being the others) I was very up on my guido culture. Luckily, I was one of the lucky few who were able to escape this terrible affliction as I jumped ship in 1989 for the greener (more homogenized) pastures of Bergen Catholic. But, if ever I feel nostalgic for that time in my life it is very comforting to know that I can simply find one of these clips on YouTube and immediately be transported back to my buddy Sean's basement, watching this show and decompressing after a long day in Mr. Cavallo's Enrichment class (that's right...I was in the Enrichment program...don't think genius like this comes along without being professionally nurtured by this country's educational system). This clip is Chicken Soup for my Jersey Cheese Soul.

The Michael Bay Effect

2008-05-11T21:00:00.000-07:00

Eighteen years ago Ken Burns' documentary The Civil War aired on PBS. The nine part series revolutionized documentary film making with an approach and technique that had never been seen before. The fact that Burns could put 11 hours of Civil War paintings and photographs on TV and pull the highest rating in the history of PBS should speak to his talents. Now, fast forward ten years as Apple brings filmmaking to the masses with its user friendly application iMovie, and witness the final testament to Mr. Burns' talents....The Ken Burns Effect.

Slow moves...zooming in and out....moving up and down a still image...and there you have it, The Ken Burns Effect. Stuck with nothing to work with, Burns made his film a bit more engaging by adding camera movement to still photography. Not exactly splitting atoms, but hey, no else had thought of it before him. Now, with its' turnkey and templated version of this artistic approach Apple was bringing it to the masses. I thought this was pretty freakin' cool. I could thrown down an entire year's worth of pictures of Jennifer, slip in the appropriate Beatles song and TA DA!! — a very watchable home video!! I love when the creative process is able to ween out that annoying and frustrating creative part.

Anyway, this got me thinking....what other filmmakers could Apple rip off in future versions of iMovie? You know what would be cool? How about a command in iMovie that would make take a child's Christening and add 47 slo-mo sequences (about 46-47 too many in the average viewer's estimation). Or a command that would take all of your most steady and sure camera work from your child's t-ball games and rattle and shake the hell out of it under the premise that you have to have a shaky detoxing meth addict working your camera to make a truly great "action" movie. What about interjecting completely arbitrary and over-the-top, elbow in ribs, "do you get it? do you get it? do you get it?" images of American flags and sunsets and sprawling, sweeping shots of rural landscapes into the middle of a seemingly normal and benign sequence in the video of your child's first steps? Do all of these sound good? Well, have I got GREAT news for you....they're all part of the same effect....The Michael Bay Effect.

I have been meaning to write this post for some time now. Kept putting it off....and then I watched Transformers this weekend. Oh wait....or was it Pearl Harbor? Ummmm, no, Armageddon? The Rock? Bad Boys? And kids, therein lies the problem, he keeps making the same movie. The same over-directed, overly dramatic, over-the-top movie. Over. And over. And over. And over. So, if you're looking to send your family and friends into seizures with a 7000 cut 47 second sequence in the middle of your child's dance recital video...go ahead...hit The Michael Bay Effect command....and let the heavy-handed, unwatchable good times begin.

"Sucking from the Corporate Teet"

2008-05-07T20:01:00.000-07:00

The title of this entry is actually a quote that was handed down from my old boss, the absolutely legendary Rich Stueber. You had to be given this piece of gold in person to fully appreciate it. That is because Rich would accentuate the delivery by making a sucking noise and gesturing as if to imitate a baby pig suckling from a sow. This may sound bizarre, but it was actually beyond bizarre and beyond hysterical, and absolutely par for the course in Creative Group III at DVC back in the the day. This blog entry will be my homage to CG3.

"This watch (pointing to the watch on his wrist) was a dead person's."

Rich said that too. To Gary. About a watch he bought at an estate sale. Nothing was too over the top or melodramatic. It has been more than 3 years since the group was all together. At the end of our run, we were all mostly miserable with our jobs. The agency was dying, the account the majority of us worked on was on it's way out the door and, to be honest, I think we all took our group for granted. Looking back I don't know that I still believed it all happened. As I sat down to begin this post, I actually wondered if I'd have enough material...now I'm worried that I won't be able to keep this under 3,000 words. For the sake of my 14 readers, let's hope I can.

"Money and jewelry...trust me, everything else will be a barter system...I know....I've lived through a revolution."

This is what Rich told Lourdes and I as we all loaded up on cash at the ATM immediately following the tragic events of 9/11. Even in the lowest of the low, Rich was still Rich and the group was still the group. That was the point, no matter what the circumstances, the group made it better. I have gone on to 3 jobs since DVC, and I think it's only with this perspective that I can begin to really appreciate how rare that environment really was. We still get together for dinner and drinks 3 or 4 times a year, and I don't know that I laugh any harder than I do on those nights. It is rare that a day goes by that I don't somehow refer to some of the crap we pulled. I sat through 3 sexual harassment presentations with my CG3 brethren — one of which was a private session just for us. I sat 2 chairs down from Polly while we were all being lectured on how inappropriate we all were. In my memory of that day, Polly was like 11 months pregnant. That's how absurd it was. I remember Mike telling HR that he couldn't stop himself from saying "fuck", it was a "word spacer" for him. Do you know how Rich defended us that day? He told HR we work on beer, and that's it's "like burlesque, it's all T&A." It's an act of God they didn't walk us out then. Of course, they did soon enough.

"Hey, it beats flipping tricks at the Holland Tunnel."

That was Rich's take on working at an agency on it's way down. It wasn't always that way though. There were plenty of good times. CG3's entry in DVC's Halloween festivities as the "Kennedy Curse" always comes to mind, where each member of the group portrayed a dead member of the Kennedy clan. Or maybe Rich's Vegas level entry into the DVC Bathing Beauty Contest as a mermaid. The costume was so elaborate he literally had to be carted into the room. (And yes, this was a place of business...and yes, they thought it was a good idea to encourage the male colleagues to enter a female bathing suit contest...what could possibly go wrong?). Or maybe the always elaborate CG3 entry into the legendary DVC Lip Sync contests. By the time Gene decided to finally kill the show, CG3's performance had evolved (or devolved) into a seemingly 20 minute medley featuring costumes and choreography comparable to that of a national tour for a Broadway show and always ending with Rich in drag and too many other people in various states of undress. Let's just say there probably won't be a Senate run coming from any of the CG3 alumni.

"You still got it, chica"

Rich said this to Lourdes after she was disturbingly checked out by the drunk, ex-con boyfriend of a 500 lb. coworker. Lourdes was 7 months pregnant. And Rich was serious. The group dynamic was incredible. Like nothing I saw prior or have seen since. Birthdays were always a big deal. The group would always decorate the birthday boy/girl's office or cube in a theme. There was the Elian Gonzalez theme for Lourdes, our resident Cubanista, complete with dolphins and a 3' x 4' Drudge Report front page. My personal favorite was the time we played off of Rich's paranoid post 9/11 fears and littered his office with hand-written envelopes and white powder to simulate an Anthrax attack. Rich standing in front of a mushroom cloud on a giant reproduction of the cover of Time with the quote "I told you so" was a nice touch to0. The good times were very good, but then it got bad. I'm sure Rich had a profound quote on bad times...or the end of an agency...or something that would be perfect right now...but I can't seem to find one (I actually have Rich quotes written down and in e-mails...and I still can't find one).

"How many angels can you make dance on the head of a pin?"

I don't even know what this means. But trust me, when Rich said it, it was hysterical. In the end, it got ugly. Catherine was so inspired by the general malaise of the agency that she actually penned an entire musical about the demise of DVC. I still think Paint the Walls was one of the greatest musical productions ever penned (an ode to the fact that no matter how bad things got, the solution wasn't a new process or generating new business or growing existing accounts....no, the solution was a new coat of off-white paint). I only wish the group could have stayed afloat long enough to have performed Cat's masterpiece in the Lip Sync contest (had Gene not mercilessly killed it by calling into question the financial viability of such an event while mc'ing).

One by one, everyone in the group was fired, quit or simply just stopped working. Some have gone on to other jobs at other agencies, while others have left the agency life and become full-time moms (you f'n bastards) and still OTHER has gone on to become "Hollywood" — jet-setting from coast to coast from TV shoot to Pixar premiere and onto awards shows. But, with the exception of "Hollywood" we all still get together every few months and catch up — bitch about the painting of walls at our current agencies, wax philosophical about the good ol' days or simply extrapolate the scenario that would need to occur for there to be a professional reunion for CG3. I still remember the day they walked Rich (and the collective soul of CG3) out of DVC. He left us with...wait for it....yep, a quote. "This is just the intermission." (Of course, this was after he screamed "They wacked me." for a solid ten minutes). Anyway, I can only hope that he was right that fateful day. That some amazing chain of events will play out and we will get the chance to work together again. Maybe kids will grow up, moms will return to the workforce and Gary will take time from his Cannes trip to kick around the idea of stooping so low as to hire us all under one roof. But, then again, maybe not. I mean, after all, it's like Rich said, "You can't make a dead horse walk." Right?

Thirty fucking four

2008-05-05T19:06:00.000-07:00

Two weeks ago, on April 21st, I turned 34. Thirty fucking four. Sadly, this event has nothing to do with my 1 month blogging sabbatical...that would be entirely grounded in my general apathy and recent inability to stay up past 10pm. Anyway, for whatever reason, this birthday is hitting me hard. 34 is mid-thirties...officially. I left for college 15 fucking years ago. I'm staring down the barrel of a quickly approaching 20 year high school reunion (yes, it's still 4 years away, but please, join me on this rant). Dude, I'm fucking old...but then, why do I not entirely feel it? I mean, I just used the word "dude"...in writing...that has to count for something.

I am a firm believer that you hit an age and stop getting older from that point forward...in your head. You see, in my mind, I'm about 22...24 max. I have always looked young for my age, or so I've been told, and that's not helping my delusional cause. In my head, no matter how much older I get, I look in the mirror and delude myself into thinking that I could still pass for 23 or 24...easily. Seriously, that's how warped my sense of reality is. It's not until some Ridgewood High senior flaunts his 18-ness in my face that I get anywhere close to grounded in reality. But that does not mean I'm going to go down without a fight.

I was recently listening to a podcast from The Sports Guy (highly recommended...for both his podcasts AND his columns...when he decides to write them) where he was debating with a friend at what age it becomes absurd to continue watching The Real World. After much debate he netted out on the rule that as soon as he was double the age of any of the show's cast then he would quit the show...of course, he then backed down and became non-committal. That is exactly where I'm at. What's the point of moving on from something if you are still genuinely enjoying it? Why should there be an expiration date on being young and relevant?

I still buy new music. Now, I'm not hardcore like my buddy Glenn who still insists on going to see fringe bands in small venues...but hell, I have 2 kids and I think I'm making a pretty damn good effort to remain current. As has been well documented in this blog, I watch a TON of TV....and I am well out of the target demo for much of it. Hell, I don't care if I'm a 34 year old male...I like watching Greek...sue me. MTV True Life...brilliant (especially the ones that focused on the Jersey shore and binge drinking....good times). Hell, I still make the occasional foray into The Real World too (not a no-brainer anymore...really depends on the city and the cast...I'm still not committed to this Hollywood season). I write a blog (intermittently). I have a Facebook page. And a MySpace page. I text and I use IM. I AM STILL RELEVANT!!!!

So here's my question...why do I let it bother me? Why was I bothered by the number 34? Why do I feel the need to drop names of characters in shows when engaged in conversation with my cousin's college aged kid? (Did you see the behind the scenes video of Heidi and Spencer on the set of the music video Higher? I actually said that. Seriously. But you should check out the video...it's a trainwreck that begs to be watched...off the charts on the Unintentional Comedy Scale). Why do I feel the need to turn up the radio as I'm rolling by some Ridgewood High LAX players on the street just to let them know that I'm listening to the new Vampire Weekend album as if to scream "HEY, LOOK AT ME, I'M COOL...SERIOUSLY...I'M SO CURRENT..."? At what age does this end? When do I officially get passed by? Have I already? Do I just not know it? Does writing a blog entry like this mean I have already? Would any of my 11 loyal readers tell me? You know what....do me a favor....don't tell me. I'm going to keep on living the dream...my big, fat delusional dream. Now excuse me while I find out if Rusty's parents are really going to make him leave Kappa Tau.

The Colorado State Rams?

2008-04-09T19:04:00.000-07:00

I love baseball. In my opinion, the first signs of spring have nothing to do with robins, or flowers, or the calendar...spring officially begins with the first kids in sweatshirts and wool hats getting on the baseball fields for little league practice. Somehow, even if it's 42º, seeing those kids grabbing their stinging hands as they shoot one off the end of their $216 ceramic bats (this is Ridgewood after all) makes me feel like the long, cold winter is finally behind us. I have been looking forward to having a kid playing in one of these leagues for as long as I can remember. And I am proud to announce that this year, my little Amanda Wurlitzer has heeded the call.

Earlier this week, I signed my 5 year-old daughter Jennifer up for Instructional League T-Ball. This morning, I got an e-mail from the coach of her team with all of the expected information....introductions, schedules, jerseys and hats, and of course, the team name. Games are on Sundays, we have a league parade on Saturday before which we will get jerseys and hats for the kids....oh, and by the way, the team name is the Colorado State Rams. The Colorado State Rams? Really? Not just the Rams...the Colorado State Rams. This of course, got me to thinking...and sadly, I think I actually have a theory.

I have actually had thoughts on this before this season. As a kid, the uniform is key. When I was a kid we just had team colors and sponsors. For instance, I played on Paramus Honda. Our uniforms were red. I was happy. I mean, I could have been forced to walk around in a canary yellow hat or even worse....a purple one. The kids in Ridgewood have a little more at stake. They get major league baseball team t-shirts and hats with sponsors as a secondary element. For instance, maybe Bagelicious would sponsor the Astros or Town & Country Apothecary would sponsor the Royals. The kids and coaches get all geared up in MLB apparel. Cool, right? Ummmm....maybe.

I always had a problem with this. How's this for a worst case scenario? Jennifer is on the Bank of America Mets, or maybe the Whole Foods Red Sox and I'm coaching. I would be DAMNED if I were to allow me, Jennifer or ANY member of my immediate family walk around in a Mets or Red Sox hat. I don't care if it's Little League. Jennifer is 5 years old, these are formative years in a child's fandom...there is just too much at stake. So here's my theory....I'm not the only one who thought this.

I think people complained...and amazingly enough, I think the town responded. The solution was to walk away from the MLB teams and move into college teams. BUT...they even took it one step further....they moved into completely benign college teams. I would certainly have the exact same issues with the idea of my little girl walking around in a Notre Dame or Ohio State hat. So kudos to the Village of Ridgewood...I mean who the hell could have an issue with the Colorado State Rams? Of course, maybe they just stick the kindergartners in college teams and I'll be here on this blog a year from now bitching and moaning about the slow start my Renato's Pizzeria Red Sox are off to....my God I hope not.

"The Rock", "The Man" and a "Mickey Mouse Organization"

2008-04-06T17:50:00.000-07:00

First of all, a huge thanks to my buddy Scott Goodman, of Goodman Thoughts fame, for taking me along to the Rangers-Devils game this afternoon. About 3 weeks ago he called me, whispering on the other end of the phone, in the middle of a silent auction where these tickets became available. It turns out that the seats were in the Verizon Wireless booth at the brand, spanking new Prudential Center in Newark, New Jersey..otherwise known as "The Rock". I was very excited for four reasons: a. Rangers game...and playoff home ice at stake, 2. new arena to check out, c. it's always a good time with Goodman and 4. return of "the man" as I continue my streak of luxury box events. With that being said, I have MANY thoughts on MANY fronts, so as if I'm not long-winded enough, I will be using this entry to shoot off random thoughts as they came to me throughout the day. So, without further ado...

Welcome to Newark. NJPAC. The Newark Bears Stadium. Penn Station. And now, The Prudential Center. Yet there I am, literally seconds after pulling off of Rt. 280, passing by a burned out shell of a building that might as well have been out of a scene from the Watts riots. Let's just say reports of the Newark Renaissance might be a BIT premature and leave it at that.

I finally make my way through some of the local sights and sounds and arrive at the arena. Lots of renaissance happening on Broad Street. Anyway, the place is great. Gorgeous...inside...and outside. Great sight lines. Great lighting, scoreboards and sound system. The arena would be perfect if they could just pick it up and place it anywhere outside of Newark.

The Devils. I don't know what to say. Full disclosure...I am a lifelong Rangers fan. The Devils have always struck me as a "Mickey Mouse organization" (I must give credit where credit is due, Wayne Gretzky called the Devils Mickey Mouse YEARS ago...so who are you to argue with Wayne?! He's The Great One for Christ's sake!). Anyway, the second I walked in the arena I was immediately reminded as to why. They brought their f'n Patrick Division Play-Off Champion banner with them. Now, when they raised that banner, it was their first banner. Claiming a divisional playoff championship was a reach then. It was raising a banner for the sake of raising a banner. Then they go on to win 3 Stanley Cups. The banner remains. Then, they move....and they bring the Goddman thing with them. Just Mickey Mouse.

The Devils fan. Let me cut to the chase. The Devils arrived in New Jersey in 1982. If you are 34 or older and a Devils fan, you are a disgrace. You would have had to jumped ship from either the Rangers or Islanders in the midst of your formative childhood fandom years to hop on the Devils bandwagon. How does one do that? My daughter is five and if New Jersey got a baseball team next week, I wouldn't let her leave the Yankees for them. And she's five. And a girl. So, hey, Mr. 36 year old guy from Hackensack rocking the Pandolfo jersey....you're a bandwagoning, heartless fan. Sorry to be the one to have to tell you...but, you are.

The Devils game experience. Well, you now know how I feel about the fans, so you can only imagine how I feel about the game experience itself. To say that they prod and coach their fans every step of the way would be a nice way to put it. Cheer. Louder. Make noise. Breathe....I'm not POSITIVE on the breathe cue...but it's not THAT far of a reach. It is highly annoying. Again, my two cents, but I just feel like this is a reflection of the Devils fans and their own "Mickey Mouse-ness". That, and the fact that at least 50% of the crowd are Rangers fans...you don't have to see why the 14 legitimate die hard Devils fans that do exist have a severe inferiority complex.

The luxury suite. Coming fresh off my MSG luxury suite experience for the Foo Fighters concert, the comparison was inevitable. The physical space was comparable. The seating and site lines were actually better at "The Rock". BUT...and this is a huge but....the service was lacking. Not enough food and certainly not enough variety of food. Serious disappointment. Need some more Newark Renaissance in the booth.

The Goodman experience. Always a good time. Always. This kid will bet on ANYTHING, which is just hysterical to me. Whether or not Nigel Dawes would score on the shootout, the time at which players will step on the ice after the second period, the hidden puck game on the scoreboard...anything. Add the running (some would say into the ground) joke of "they're not booing you Scott Gomez, they're just saying "DOOOB" for Brandon Dudbinsky" and the hazing of Devils fans all around us, and you've got a pretty typical day out with Goodman.

Anyway, the Rangers lost and will thus remain the lower seed in next week's playoff match-up against the Devils. But, with that being said, there are worse ways to spend a Sunday afternoon than a day out with the guys, watching a game, in great seats, with free food....not enough free food, but free nonetheless. Good times.

Greetings from the Comatel

2008-03-27T05:44:00.000-07:00

I have lots of ideas that I like to call "million dollar ideas". These are basically ideas that I delude myself into thinking are brilliant enough to become global success stories that will no doubt be franchised within 10 months of me putting the plan into motion and thus allowing me to retire before the age of 45. That delusion usually lasts until the very moment I verbalize this precious idea that has been bouncing around inside my head for minutes — if not hours —and I get that "what the hell are you talking about?!" look that I am oh so familiar with. Anyway, I figured this was as good a forum as any to share the brilliance.

I'm tired. I am ALWAYS tired. It has essentially become steady state. When asked how I feel I no longer answer "tired" because I'm just passing that off as assumed information. Whatever my answer is it is merely in addition to exhausted. I have basically given in to it. I am beyond the point where some 12 hour night of sleep will help me recover , all that does is make my body realize even further just how tired it truly is. ANYWAY, this led me to one of my greatest million dollar ideas ever.

When you have kids, a vacation is NOT a vacation. You need a vacation to recover from the vacation....which NEVER happens. On top of that, any vacation is rarely a vacation. If you go to a place that is rich in history you feel obligated to see the sights. If you go somewhere with friends you feel obligated to go all out because you never get a chance to go out with your friends like this anymore. Now, a spa or beach getaway definitley has some relaxing moments, but there's still some uneeded stress...getting to your massage appointment on time, getting the right seat at the beach, making sure you're out there for the tanning hours, even dinner plans can become a chore. That's where this idea came from. Loyal readers...I give you The Comatel (registered trademark to Scott Cocchiere Million Dollar Ideas LLC, all rights reserved....don't even think about steeling this idea).

What is The Comatel you ask? Imagine a structure similar to a Japanese capsule hotel with no maids, no food service, no spa, nothing....except a fully equipped medical staff. Medical staff? Yes, medical staff. When you check into The Comatel you will instantly be immersed into a coma by our VERY competent medical staff. Haven't you ever said you feel like you could sleep for days? Well...now you can. No pressure to do ANYTHING. Check in ...and sleep. That's it. That's the idea.

The business model is brilliant...if I don't say so myself. The capsule like accomodations make a maximum use of space. No staff. No food. Neighborhood or views don't matter...I mean what's the difference between sleeping for 24 hours in Newark instead of Palm Springs? Medical staff will no doubt cost, as will the drugs needed....but we are saving in so many other places. Business travelers. Parents that are fried. Everyone could use more rest, but sometimes it's hard to take a week off from work....but how about a day? Even two days? That's COMPLETELY doable.

Be on the lookout for The Comatel...coming to a low rent ditrisct near you....and stop looking at me like I'm crazy! You KNOW this would somehow work.

The IYHSTMYGRIN List

2008-03-19T19:36:00.000-07:00

Introducing a brand new recurring post here at That's What He Said, The "if you haven't seen this movie yet, go rent it now" List or The IYHSTMYGRIN List for short. (NOTE: Yes, I know that renting movies is completely antiquated....but you can't say "on-demanded" just yet and there are only 27 people with Apple TV's and of those 3 are renting movies. Plus, the acronym has "my grin" in it...so net-net, I'm sticking with rent). I'm finding that entirely too many of my references are sailing 10-12 feet over the heads of too many people these days. So with that in mind, I have taken it upon myself to spread the good word. I don't have a list in mind, this is going to happen very organically. As the movies come to me, I will post about one or so a week (in theory). I literally have no idea where this is going.

OK, with the intro now behind us, introducing the first entry onto The IYHSTMYGRIN List — Top Secret!. (ANOTHER NOTE: That was not a punctuation error, there's actually an exclamation point at the end of the title). Top Secret! is completely, totally, 100% and most importantly, unapologetically absurd from beginning to end. If you're going to nitpick the script, you're going to run into some issues. Just get beyond the fact that there's somehow an East and West Germany yet the Nazis are still running around. Ignore the fact that there's a French Resistance butted up against Beach Boys song parodies. That's right folks...I said song parodies. Before he was The Lizard King in The Doors, Val Kilmer belted out hits like "Skeet Shootin' USA" and "Straighten the Rug" as American pop icon Nick Rivers. Kilmer is at his best. To this day, I'm of the opinion that he could have a John Travolta-esque Pulp Fiction career revival if he were to only go back to slap stick comedy.

There's a little German, a cow in rain boots, a bearded East German women's Olympic team, an entire scene filmed in reverse, a jackhammer sex toy, flaming pig balls and of course, Omar Sharif. To this day, I have no idea why Omar Sharif appeared in this movie. You cannot give me a reason that will make sense. This is the kind of movie that you'll be watching for the 48th time and still manage to find a new hysterical tidbit that you never saw before.

See Top Secret!. Immediately. If you don't you will be as worthless as a truckload of dead rats at a tampon factory...see, if you had seen this movie that quote would make sense to you and you'd be laughing right now instead of looking 12 feet over your head as my attempt at humor sails into orbit.

We Suck

2008-03-18T19:14:00.000-07:00

First of all, an apology to my 7 loyal readers (it used to be 11, but when I go more than a week without new material, what can I expect?). It's been a busy week, both at work and outside of work, but I'm back now. I have a notebook full of thought starters for a myriad of inane and useless blog entries. So...I'm sorry...I suck. And with that, cue the segue into my triumphant return into blogging. Not only do I suck as a blogger, but you all suck too. Sorry, but you do. And your coworkers suck. And your friends suck. And your parents suck. Basically, if you're a baby boomer or later, you suck. Big time. Very big time. Now, let me tell you why everyone you know sucks.

Tom Brokaw called them "the greatest generation." The fought World War II. They literally saved the world. They lied about their age to get IN to the armed forces. They put their lives on hold for YEARS. They didn't do it for personal gain, they didn't do it so it would prepare them for management in the work force, they did it because they felt they owed it to their country. Brokaw said it best, "this is the greatest generation any society has produced....the soliders fought not for fame and recognition, but because it was the right thing to do."

I had a marathon World War II weekend a few weeks ago. "Band of Brothers" marathon on The History Channel followed by knocking out the first two discs on Ken Burns' "The War" (in case you forgot, it ALWAYS come back to TV for me). Anyway, if you really want to feel useless and pathetic, be sure to watch these. As some of the vets recall accounts of the war in the Pacific, they constantly recount tales of torture, atrocities and things that they literally can't bring themselves to talk about. Yet they fought on and America loved them for it. Similar circumstances are presented to our troops in the Middle East today. And they do fight on and America HATES them for it.

The Times would run some smear article. Michael Moore would go interview some poor solider's unexpecting family. The Republicans and Democrats would use it as a staging area for some meaningless argument. Susan Sarandon would threathen to (and not, of course) move to Manitoba. Someone would create a rubber bracelet in memory of the poor, disenfranchised enemy insurgent. Let's face it, as Gen-X and Gen-Y, we are a generation of self-hating Americans. Don't even get me started on the defeatist, Vietnam-scarred Baby Boomers. Somehow we are made to feel as though we need to apologize for our superiority to the rest of the world. That's right, I said it, we're superior to the rest of the world. It's a fact, we are. Don't hate me for saying it, hate yourself for not believing it.

I have a theory on the why. The further we get away from the people who actually came to this country in search of the "streets lined with gold" the further we get from understanding how great this country is. So when I run for president (look for it in 2016...should be huge), right after I implement my intellectual genocide platform (probably a topic for a future post of its' own), I'm passing a bill that everyone should have to go back to where they came from for a year. Go back and see for yourself why your ancestors came here with nothing and maybe then you'll appreciate just how great this place really is.

Here's the good news. Our troops are all over the world right now fighting the good fight. Here's a crazy idea. Support them. Write a letter to one. Shake a marine's hand in the airport and thank him. Buy a solider a drink in the bar. This hasn't been an easy war and it will continue on that way, but neither was World War II. It's going to take a strong resolve...from EVERYONE. Let's try and not be the second consecutive generation that sucks worse than the one before us. If the greatest generation was anything like we were we'd be living in the United States of Deutschland.

Wow, this got pretty serious pretty quick. I promise, next entry, COMPLETELY VAPID...seriously, I promise. Anyway, thank a vet and be proud to live in the greatest country in the world. This message has been paid for by the Committee for Cocchiere in 2016. I'm Scott Cocchiere and I approve this message.

A new TV show...what a novel idea

2008-03-04T19:48:00.000-08:00

I just watched a new TV show. Craziness. I can't even remember the last time I saw a new TV show. I'm happy with a new episode of an old show. Besides Lost, there is not much in the way of new non-reality programming these days. Friday Night Lights ran out of shows a few weeks ago. Some shows are coming back in the next few weeks. But they're only going to be showing truncated seasons. Others have just packed it in until the fall...again, don't even get me started that 24 is out until January 2009...that might just be a post of it's own some day.

Anyway, I got brought into a new show thanks to the subtle promotion Fox pulled off during tonight's episode of American Idol. Some would say an plug every 18.7 seconds is a bit heavy handed, but God bless those shrew marketers at Fox. I guess I can't argue with the tactic though, I tuned in. The new show in question is New Amsterdam. John Amsterdam was a Dutch solider in the 1640's. He saves the life of a native American woman and is then given the gift of immortality (odd gift...but get over it...it's new TV for Christ's sake). He has now been in search of his "soul mate" to finally start aging again. He's currently a NYC cop. So, let's review, here's why this show is good:

• Time Travel — Well, it's not time travel, but it's an interesting twist on time-spanning. Plus, it doesn't bring all the usual baggage that a vampire story does. I like it.

• NEW TV

• Cop Show — He's a detective. He solves crimes. This is like Life and Journeyman (two shows NBC has cancelled or will cancel soon) combined. Cant' go wrong with a good cop story.

• NEW TV

• FOX — It's not on NBC. That means this show might actually be given a chance to survive. Plus, as far as I can tell, FOX doesn't even count ratings. None of their shows (aside from Idol) get ratings. So hopefully New Amsterdam will be around for awhile.

• NEW TV — Oh, yeah....did I mention that this is a new TV show?

It's only one episode, but I'm on board. Season passed already. Plus, FOX is jump starting it by playing another episode on Thursday before it settles into it's regular spot on Mondays. I miss TV. My habit is down. Massively. If it weren't for Idol, Lost and iPod episodes of The Unit (which just gets better and better) I would probably be reading or something. And if that happens, no one wins. I don't think any of my 17 readers need to be suffering though my 742 word review of Eat, Pray, Love. Do all of us a favor, support the cause — be sure to check out New Amsterdam on FOX.

All good things...

2008-03-03T18:16:00.000-08:00

The year was 1991. Four sheltered teens from Bergen Catholic High School venture into midtown Manhattan to hit the club scene. Everyone has either lied about their whereabouts or their parents don't necessarily think to ask. This night's destination is the historic Limelight. It is at it's drug-crazed, house and techno music peak. The boys hit the bodega down the street and suck down about two 40's of St. Ides each for a makeshift "pre-party". Then, armed only with the Baird Jones card they got from a friend of a friend in history class, they begin to wait on line. In only a matter of moments the trannie working the door notices one of the guys and asks him in. He, in turn, negotiates entry for all of his friends. And just like that, their lives would never be the same.

In case my feeble attempt at setting this story up in some faux literary fashion was too convoluted, I was one of the guys. As were my buddies Eric, Sean and Joe. Many of our high school memories are tied into the shady early 90's Manhattan club scene. I can't even begin to tell you the bizarre things we witnessed between the hours of 11pm and 5am in clubs like The Limelight or The Tunnel or The Palladium or Webster Hall. It's been almost 20 years now (yikes), and it's gotten to the point where it almost seems like another life that someone else lived.

$20 at the door and you were in. No ID necessary. $4 drinks from there on in. Name it and you could drink it. Did I mention we were 16? How about some live entertainment? KRS One. The Pharcyde. A Tribe Called Quest. All acts we saw at a club. Rampant...and I mean RAMPANT drug use. People shooting themselves up. Ecstasy all over the place...and this was a solid 5 years before that drug even went main stream. Nudity and blatant acts of public "affection" EVERYWHERE. Straight, gay, trannies, other things...if you could envision it...it was going on somewhere in those places. As crazy and sketchy as this all may seem, it made for some of the best nights I can remember. To this day, I can't hear "Passing Me By", "The Choice Is Yours" or "It Takes Two" and not have a smile come across my face.

That's why when I got an e-mail from Eric last Sunday I needed to take a moment to reflect. You see, Baird Jones died last week. His body was found in his Greenwich Village apartment a week ago this past Saturday. Apparently, he was also a gossip reporter and a celebrity art collector. For me and my friends, he will always be that guy on the card we all kept in our wallets. The one with the 800 number we'd call to find out where the party was that week. The one we used to flash at the door to open up a whole new scene...and in a lot of ways a whole new world.

I never met Baird Jones. But if it weren't for him I would have never been in a dark church that was converted into a night club, sipping on a tom collins, listening to a droning techo beat, getting bumped into by the couple that was screwing on the couch next to me, while I tried to discern whether the next entry in the hot body contest was a man or a woman. And in a weird way, if it hadn't been for all that, I don't know that I would be the same person I am today. Rest in peace Baird Jones. Thanks for the memories.

Clip of the Week

2008-02-26T17:52:00.000-08:00

This is not any ordinary clip of the week. This is clips. Plural. Many. And better yet....more to come and keep coming. Loyal That's What He Said readers, I give you The NEW Tom Green Show. That's right, Tom Green has a new talk show. Don't let the fact that this is a web based show fool you. The production value and the quality guest list are that of a legitimate network show. To be honest, I'm not quite sure why this is still on the web. Does FOX really have a better late night alternative? I mean, hell, the New York Post gave the show a 4-star rating and compared him to a young Dave Letterman.

I don't know that words will allow me to properly explain just how excited I am. I. Love. Tom. Green. Similar to Sarah Silverman in last week's clip of the week, Tom Green is the KING of taking an uncomfortable joke entirely too far...and I mean that in the greatest possible way. For those of you who are not entirely familiar with Tom Green's brand of comedy do yourself a favor and search on YouTube for Lonely Swedish, or Sexercise or his swan song from MTV — The Tokyo Subway Monkey Hour. I mean seriously, the man found a way to make an hour-long comedy special based entirely around his discovery and treatment of testicular cancer. Bow down before the genius that is Tom Green and be sure to go to www.tomgreen.com and check out the show.

Don't call it a comeback...

2008-02-23T22:03:00.001-08:00

....he's been here for years. LL Cool J might have said that, but my God does that apply to Richard Simmons. For 30 years Simmons has been hawking his goods to the morbidly obese American masses. That spans my entire TV watching career. I have not known a TV world without Richard Simmons pushing a book, or Deal-a-Meal Cards or a new Sweatin' to the Oldies video. The white man afro, those amazingly inappropriate candy-striped Dolfin shorts, the tanks bedazzled with crystals...absolutely NOTHING has changed.

I don't know that I fully appreciated Richard Simmons until I heard him on Howard Stern. In 1990, as I quit the bus and began getting rides to Bergen Catholic High Schoo (sorry for the blatant shout out). It was then that I got hooked on Howard on K-Rock. And it was then that I first began to fully appreciate the line that Richard walked. That line between deadly serious, passionate life changer and self-parody, "brain-hanger" in impossibly short shorts. If you've never seen or heard Richard Simmons on Howard Stern, that I don't think you can fully appreciate his comic appeal. Do yourself a favor and watch the clip below to get a taste.

So for 30 years, Richard has been a part of our lives. Constantly. Yet, as ever-present as he is...has anyone else noticed that suddenly...even more than usual....Richard Simmons is EVERYWHERE.

First of all, as can be seen in the lead image for this story, he made a nice little cameo on one of the GREATEST shows of all time...Arrested Development. (Note: This is not an exaggeration for effect. Trust me, if you've never seen it, do yourself a favor and RENT it. Now. Read this later, it's more important that you watch this show. Seriously.) Sitting beside George Bluth (Jeffery Tambor) on Mexican TV, playing himself (of course), there's Richard Simmons pushing The Cornballer and all it's inherent danger on our unsuspecting neighbors to the south.

Then, last year, he suddenly appears on a This is Sportscenter ad (nice campaign...about 9 years ago...when "Priceless" could almost remember when it was last interesting). Check out the link below...you'll notice...Richard Simmons playing....wait for it....that's right....you guessed it...Richard Simmons. Noticing a trend here?

Now fast forward to February 2008. Super Bowl Sunday. My beloved New York Football Giants are on their way to a miraculous Super Bowl championship (this really has nothing to do with the story...I just like writing and/or saying that as much as possible) and who should appear in a Bridgestone tires ad? You guessed it, Richard Simmons. Playing? You guessed it again...Richard Simmons.

On top of all this, Richard's got a show on Sirius radio now. Plus, he's still making regular appearances on Letterman. Hell, he's even patched up a one time rift with Howard and has begun to appear on the Stern show again. On top of all that, he's got a new 20th anniversary edition of Sweatin' to the Oldies out in stores now. Richard Simmons is STILL everywhere. I don't quite know why I'm making this post, I guess I just wanted to exploit this opportunity to write about an American treasure....Richard Simmons. I really have nothing more to add. I guess I wanted to test how inane I could be and to see how many words I could write about Richard Simmons (550)....this is what happens when I don't have new programming from my shows for more tha 2 months.

Hey US Navy, thanks for ruining my Wednesday primetime!

2008-02-20T21:02:00.000-08:00

The US Navy blew a satellite out of the sky tonight.

They launched an SM-3 missile off the USS Lake Erie and hit a satellite in space.

There was a satellite, that was going to crash into Earth and spill a toxic fuel all over the place and the US Navy had to launch a missile off an aircraft carrier to blow the thing up in enough pieces so that it wouldn't get through the atmosphere.

I'm not making this up. This is not the plot for some bad Michael Bay movie (an oxymoron I know, as if there is a GOOD Michael Bay movie). This really happened tonight. Now, here's my question....HOW THE HELL IS THIS NOT ON TV?!?!

We are at the tail end of a grueling writer's strike. Some of TV's most popular shows aren't even returning this season. Don't even get me started on 24, which will not be back until January 2009. There is NOTHING on TV still. Reruns. Reality TV...17 hours of American Idol a week (which isn't the worst thing)...11 hours of Biggest Loser per week. And of course, there are those bad shows that by dumb luck had episodes in the can which could be aired when no one else had original programming (see ABC's October Road). How could the networks NOT figure out a way to get this on TV?!!? Hell, how could the GOVERNMENT not figure out a way to get this on TV?!?!?!

What better way to advertise the success of the Star Wars program. 20 years in the making. I mean, don't you remember being completely confused as a kid when President Reagan would mention the Star Wars program at the same time that Return of the Jedi was in theaters? This was the big chance for the US government to showcase the goods. Send the message to the rest of the world...yes, we can blow something at out of the sky, from anywhere, whenever we want. Or how about, "hey, John Q. Taxpayer...you know all that cash we poured in towards blowing missiles out of the sky during the Cold War? Well guesss what...IT WORKS!!"

Give me some background, feel good pieces on the Navy personnel behind the scenes...the guy driving the boat, the lady pushing the button. I'm thinking Costas would be great here. Think Olympics studio show. Then we can strap a camera on the missile. Dig up Gen. Schwarzkopf to do a little play by play. If they really wanted to do this right, maybe have one of the DirecTV satellites do a drive by and get some overhead shot. There was so much potential for TV gold here. They have built studio shows and programming around much less. This was an absolute no-brainer...unfortunately, as was demonstrated throughout the entire writer's strike, the powers that be at all of the networks might actually have no brains. I guess I'll just have to wait for the Michael Bay version of tonight's events. Yikes.

I'm "the man"

2008-02-20T07:36:00.000-08:00

The Foo Fighters made their Madison Square Garden debut last night. Let me start by saying...that's insane. On a completely side note, how could a band like Foo Fighters — who have been together for 13 years and churned out good album after good album and great song after song — not have played MSG while bands like O Town and 98º have? On a completely side note to the original completely side note, I cannot wait for the comment that will no doubt follow from one Gary Van Dzura waxing nostalgic about the vocal stylings of Nich Lachey and his cronies or how I am SO far off on the "hotness" that was the boy band era of the late 1990's. Anyway, the Foo Fighter rocked the Garden for the first time ever last night and I was there...in a luxury box...through a work connection...yep, I was THAT guy.

Selling out never felt so good. I have officially become "the man"....and I am MORE than OK with that. Imagine exclusive access in an area completely separate from the "mook" masses. How does an amazing view of the stage sound? Oh, the view's not good enough? How about they move the acoustic second stage directly below you? Oh...did I mention...free foods of all kinds being brought in faster than they can be consumed? Or how about any and every kind of beverage on the same rotation as the food? Of course, more 20 oz. Diet Cokes wouldn't have hurt...but when would they? Oh, wait...I almost forgot...does access to a private bathroom sound like an upgrade? Yeah, thought so. So, thanks to my buddy Glenn and his wonderful contacts at News America, my future concert going experiences have essentially been ruined in comparison to last night's events.

Net net...Foo Fighters...great. They rocked it out for a solid 2 hours and Dave Grohl is an insanely charismatic front man. Luxury box...amazing. I highly recommend selling out to "the man" and upgrading all of your future sporting events and concerts.

In Defense of Andy Pettitte

2008-02-15T21:05:00.000-08:00

I'm tired of Roger Clemens. I'm tired of Debbie Clemens. I'm tired of steroids. I'm tired of HGH. I'm tired of congressional hearings. I'm tired of United States congressman and congresswomen grandstanding for their Mr. Smith Goes to Washington moment. I'm tired of Roger Kossack getting more airtime on ESPN than Peter Gammons. But, today, I am REALLY tired of Andy Pettitte being dragged through the mud.

Let me straighten a few things out. Roger Clemens did steroids. He also did HGH. Hell, he probably did some cocktail of the clear, the cream and a designer horse testosterone. The man was 45 years old and still in his "prime". If you were one of those folks who bought into the tales of Rocket's "legendary" workouts then please stop reading here. And never come back to this site. Ever.

With that being said, Andy Pettitte did HGH. He admitted it. Done and done. This is not the ideal behavior from a man who is the hero of thousands of baseball loving youth (I think there are actually some still out there), but he did it, he confessed and the hope was to move on. But then, Clemens happened.

America is a forgiving nation. The American people want flaws in their heroes (see Mickey Mantle). They want to see them fall and then rise back up. Hell, it's the American dream. If Roger Clemens could have just realized this, there would be no Congressional hearing, there would be no media circus to overshadow the start of the season and there sure as hell wouldn't be this perception that Andy Pettitte somehow sold Roger Clemens up the river. (Nevermind the fact that if Barry Bonds could have realized this, then there would probably be no Mitchell Report and hence, no Roger Clemens fiasco and thus, there would actually be coverage of spring training that didn't require a degree in pharmacology to understand).

Anyway, here are the flaws in that whole Andy Pettitte as bad guy theory:

You can't lie under oath. Hey, Mike & Mike, telling half truths...yeah, that's lying. And when you lie under oath....yeah, you could go to jail.
You can't lie under oath for someone who left you out to twist in the wind. Roger Clemens vehemently denied any use of performance enhancing drugs. In doing so, he left Andy Pettitte out there alone. He actually had the nerve to somehow act as though he was disappointed in the fact that Andy would do the drugs. Every other Mitchell Report player who has chosen to spoke, has not denied their use...does Roger truly believe that someone is out to get him?
Andy's telling the truth. Andy told the truth about his own use. He told the truth about his father and how he got drugs from him. And, in the end, he told the truth about Clemens. Did he "misremember" things to make Rocket look better? Did he "misremember things to make Roger look worse? No and no. He told the truth. Where is the flaw in that?

I'm not going to sit here and try and convince you that Clemens used steroids and HGH. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that Pettitte and Clemens shared the training services of Brian McNamee. And I won't tell you that McNamee named Clemens, Pettitte and Chuck Knoblauch and only Roger Clemens denied it. I also won't tell you that Pettitte and Clemens shared the services of the Hendricks brothers as their agents and legal counsel. And I sure as hell won't tell you that Pettitte denied the offer to discuss the Mitchell Report with Commissioner Selig in advance of it's release while Clemens somehow never received a similar offer from the same counsel. Right. Naturally.

Pettitte is a good guy who made a couple of bad choices and is trying to make amends by telling the truth. Roger Clemens is guilty. Was guilty, is guilty and will ALWAYS be guilty. He's lying to the American public every single day. Can we all accept that? Can we all move on. Can we give me some pitcher and catchers? Can we give me a real spring training? How about more Jayson Stark ? Tim Kurkijian? Joba, Phil and Ian are in Tampa. Joe Girardi's bringing in a new era. The Yankees are back — and better yet — under the radar. Can you all do me a favor, and let me enjoy this?

Clip of the Week

2008-02-13T08:23:00.000-08:00

New feature here on "That's What He Said." In an attempt to control my crack-like addiction to unleashing 1000 word diatribes every day of the week, I will be dedicating one post a week to passing along a funny/disgusting/interesting/educational (doubt it)/fascinating video clip to all 11 of my dedicated readers (probably a bit of a reach).

So, with the format now in place, here's the inaugural "That's What He Said" Clip of the Week. It's actually been around for a few weeks now, but I feel like it hasn't gotten nearly enough attention. Sarah Silverman obviously came up with the idea, but it's Matt Damon's willingness to "sell the move" that makes this video so g-damn funny. It would also have been easy to make this a 30 second bit, but I always like when comedians take an awkward joke through that completely uncomfortable period and keep pushing it...very Sasha Baron Cohen of Ms. Silverman. Good stuff.

Clear eyes. Full Hearts. Can't Lose.

2008-02-11T20:15:00.000-08:00

Dear Ben Silverman,

Don't you dare cancel Friday Night Lights. Don't. You. Dare.

To borrow from the famous Rick Pitino press conference...Seinfeld is not walking through that door. Cheers is not walking through that door. Hill Street Blues is not walking through that door. You are no longer a network to be reckoned with. You have 742 variations of the Law & Order franchise, Heroes and The Office. That's it. On top of that, you would have cancelled The Office had it not caught on virally through the iTunes phenomenon.

Friday Night Lights has been mismarketed and mishandled from its inception. Scheduling changes. Rumored cancellations almost every step of the way. It's almost as though you never wanted this show to succeed. Despite all of that, the show put together a fantastic first season. BUT, because the writers were working under the assumption that they were being cancelled, the season almost functioned as a stand alone. Season 2 has taken a few episodes to overcome some of the dead ends that were created at the conclusion of Season 1. But it has done so successfully, and is now back on track.

The show is on Friday nights (I get it...Friday nights, Friday Night Lights...very clever). What self-respecting twenty-something male is home on Friday night? NONE. This is not Full House. This is not Family Matters. Of course it won't get ratings on Friday night!

On top of all of this, there is the matter of a replacement. What do you have to replace it? Another Deal or No Deal? D-List Apprentice? Biggest Loser: Fat Family edition? Knight Rider (don't even get me started on the Trans Am being replaced)? A Punky Brewster reunion?

And herein lies the bigger issue. Your network doesn't stand by any of its' shows. The Black Donnellys. Journeyman. Kidnapped. Studio 60. All shows that had potential. All shows that have since been cancelled. You are running out of original programming. Your network is staring down the barrel of wall-to-wall Bob Saget, Donald Trump and Howie Mandel hosted game shows. In the name of Jerry Seinfeld, Sam Malone, Dr. Frasier Crane, Cliff Huxtable and Alex P. Keaton....do the right thing. Save Friday Night Lights.

"Clear eyes. Full hearts. Can't Lose." — Coach Taylor

A belated I told you so

2008-02-10T18:44:00.000-08:00

The beauty of blogging is its quickness. Instant reactions. This post will NOT be a testament to that. Whatever the antithesis of timely is is what this post is. A week ago at this exact time, I watched in pure ecstasy as my beloved New York football Giants reveled in their stunning Super Bowl XLII victory. Stunning to most people....except me. I am not going to sit here and tell you that I sat here last September and predicted this championship run. BUT, I am going to tell you that I was 1 of about the 16 Giants fans who actually believed in Eli Manning every step of the way. I feel like I have voiced this opinion and had this discussion an endless amount of times over the course of this past season, so I thought it would make for as good a post here as any other rant that I've put forth in the past few months.

Here's my take (which seems sensible today, basking in the afterglow of Super Bowl XLII; but, was utterly revolutionary a mere 8 weeks ago)....who would you rather have? Take Brady and Peyton off the table...they're anomalies. Is there anyone else out there that is a guarantee? Romo? Show me more than 16 games played. Plus, how about coming up big in the big spot one time? I think Romo is having a bit too much fun being Tony Romo. Favre? He's always on the verge of putting up one of those epic, "gun-slinging" 5 INT days. Which leads me to the heart of this debate....the draft and Roethlisberger and Rivers.

First of all, this whole "we gave up Rivers AND Merriman for Manning" argument is a farce. The Giants gave up those draft picks. There is no guarantee had the Giants kept that pick that it would have turned into Merriman. It could have been Mike Williams or Aaron Rodgers or Cedric Benson or any number of BUSTS from that 2005 first round.

Secondly, if Rivers was playing in New York it would have taken all of about 3 weeks for him to have a Ryan Leaf-esque meltdown with the media. It's pretty obvious that the San Diego press is pretty much pushing him to the limit. On top of all that, give me LaDainian (not LT...there will always be only ONE LT) and Gates and I'm pretty sure I could put up 16 TDs.

And finally, Big Ben. Is he really all that great? He was CARRIED to the Super Bowl XL title. Just showed up and stayed out of the way. Plus, he's a disaster waiting to happen. Tell me it would surprise you to read that he and Shockey walked out of Flashdancers at 3:30am and proceeded to crack their Ducatis into the side of the GWB right before they both blew a combined .8 for Fort Lee police. You can't. Because you know New York would have been WAY too much for Ben to handle.

And that was always my argument...who would you rather have? The grass is always greener on the other side. I love these Giants fans who wax poetically about the days of Phil Simms. Giants fans HATED Phil Simms when he played. Eli and his lack of a pulse are perfect for New York and its fans and its media. The same way he did not let the abuse deter him this season, he will not let the ad sponsorship bonanza that he is about to embark on affect him either. That is the beauty of Eli. That is why I believed in him. And that is why I can now proudly say, "I told you so."

P.S. 625 words. Is that even a blog any longer? I might need to reposition this as a column. Decision on this is pending.

Where the hell was I on this one?

2008-02-08T21:32:00.000-08:00

For those of you who don't know me, I watch A LOT of TV. A conservative estimate — when NOT in the middle of a writer's strike — would be anywhere between 25 - 35 hours a week. I will pretty much try any show once. The upside of that is that I'm on board with a lot of successful shows...24, Lost, Heroes, The Office, House, Curb Your Enthusiasm. Of course, the downside is that I have become invested in many a show that has been unceremoniously dumped...The Black Donnellys, Journeyman, Kidnapped, Arrested Development (don't even get me started on this one).

In addition to the traditional sitting on my ass in front of the TV viewing, I have also taken to watching shows on m iPod during my commute. I like to use this time to catch up on shows that have somehow slipped through the cracks. Dexter. Greek. Kid Nation. All shows that I have discovered during my commute into the city. With that being said, it's a rare event when a show will come along and sneak up on me. Then came CBS's The Unit.

How the hell did I miss this? This show is fantastic. Here's my best attempt to explain it. Now, I love 24. I also love Jack Bauer. The rate at which Jack becomes absurdly indestructible and badass is directly proportional to the rate at which I become addicted to the show. Let's take it a step further. What's better than one Jack Bauer you ask? How about five Jack Bauers? And with that my friends, you have The Unit.

A team of completely top secret, rogue, indestructible American fighting machines kicking ass and taking names each and every week. Lots of impossible missions. Plenty of disregard of authority. And tons of outnumbered scenarios overcome by the completely impossible shooting prowess of each of these soliders. And to make things even better....this show has been on for 3 seasons.

So, if you're not there already, join me in The Unit. Order previous seasons on iTunes. Or, better yet, start watching on Tuesdays at 9pm on CBS (as soon as this God forsaken strike ends on Monday...hopefully). Something tells me this might be the kind of show that you would be able to jump in on at any point.

Of course now that I'm on the bandwagon, I'm sure it's only a matter of time before CBS cans this amazing show...for CSI:Hoboken.

Do you smell what Barack is cookin'?

2008-02-07T21:23:00.001-08:00

Barack Obama. The Rock. Same person.

I came about this theory as I happened to overhear one of Barack's speeches being played in the office. "Hmmm...why would Ingrid be playing a clip of The Rock?" She doesn't strike me as a WWF fan (sorry, I refuse to acknowledge the whole WWE name change thing). Plus, how old was this clip? Didn't The Rock finally complete his metamorphosis into Dwayne Johnson?

As I investigated, I was stunned to discover that it wasn't The Rock. It was Barack Obama. Close your eyes and listen to these clips. I defy you to tell me I'm wrong.

The same voice. The same tone. The same cadence. The same inflections. The same amount of substantial content in each speech (sorry, I'm not quite sure that I'm believing the change just yet). Has no one else thought of this? Am I naive to somehow think that I am the originator of this theory? It's uncanny.

By the way, on a completely side note. Based strictly on aesthetics...give The Ba-Rock the presidency. How come no one else can spend some coin and get a drop dead gorgeous identity and branding system? Based on the fact that I am not really lining up with any of the candidates all too well, sadly this could very well end up being a significant tie breaker for me. Check out Barack's site and see for yourself.

Come again?

2008-02-07T20:50:00.000-08:00

That's what he said.

Welcome to the inaugural entry of the "That's What He Said" blog. In my latest and greatest attempt to remain relevant and youthful, I have decided to follow the prodding of my blogging compadre Gary Van Dzura and jump into the fray.

After thinking long and hard about it (that's what he said), I've decided to use the name of this blog as an homage to the single greatest joke in the history of mankind.

I really have no idea as to what this blog will be. Based upon my vast knowledge and understanding of all things useless, this blog should at worst be very eclectic. With that being said, I hope that the four of you that are reading this enjoy it....and please come again (that's what he said). See, that joke really never does get old.